some stories about some people

I dug up my old blog tonight - the one I wrote while I was in Haiti. Although reading through my writing was a bit embarrassing, it was also encouraging to see how much I have learned and grown in my understanding of the Gospel and Christ. I reread this post several times - four years after writing it, it still resonates deeply with me --

He always provides, but somehow, I still find myself consumed with worry.
He is always faithful, so why do I doubt?

I think at the root of my worry and doubt I am afraid that the way in which He will provide for me will not provide for all of my wants. Does that make sense? I struggle with knowing that God is a good father who delights and takes joy in giving me good things, but also knowing that we are not promised a life that is comfortable in the way my flesh desires. I know that every day, in Christ, I have everything I need to glorify my Savior. My desire is that I will grow and recognize everything that surrounds me is a gift - to be used to glorify and bring honor to Christ.

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All these thoughts have been ruminating in my mind and heart lately. October has been a challenging month for our family. Among other lessons that God has been teaching us, we realized that we didn't have room in our budget for language classes and childcare. We were feeling so discouraged and praying that God would give us wisdom about moving forward. // We believe that language learning is crucial to our ministry here, with our specific people group. Our desire is to share the Gospel with them in their heart language. However, a precursor to sharing about Jesus is simply being able to communicate with them, as many of the families that we are building relationships with speak very little (or no) English. // So, we were feeling disheartened and beginning to doubt. Before we had even shared our need with anyone, our faith family asked if they could surround and support us by taking up a donation for the costs associated with our language learning. We sat humbled by the outpouring of love and support that our church showed towards us, but also humbled by the oh-so-obvious reminder that God is providing for us. The families in our church gave generously to provide for months of language classes - but also provided us a lesson in trusting our Lord.

To my dear Elliot,
Today, sweet boy, is your first birthday. It is such a big day! We believe that birthdays should always be celebrated -- another year of life is always cause for a party -- but this day, this birthday, is a big one.
Sometimes I close my eyes to remember and your birth feels like just yesterday.
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I can hear daddy saying "Good job baby, you can do this! You ARE doing it!", I can hear Mimi and Auntie Bekah reading scripture verses aloud, I can feel Mrs. Lauren's hands rubbing my arms and legs and encouraging me. I remember crying and feeling like I just couldn't do it anymore, but Jesus gave me a surge of energy and told you "It's time to be born Elliot! Come on!!". You were such a stubborn little boy! I remember when you were born I pulled you up to my chest and you looked at me with your big blue eyes and I said "Hi monkey!" What a silly thing to say! I had planned so many pretty things to say to you, but all I could do was call you was my monkey and tell you how much I loved you.
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I close my eyes and all that feels like yesterday, but sometimes I close my eyes and remember, and I think about all the things that we have done, that you have done, in the last year and your birth feels like a really really long time ago.
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I remember... the first time you had a hard time going to sleep and were sort of fussy. To give daddy a break, you and I ended up on the couch and around 2am I found an app on my phone called "Baby Got Colic - Womb Sounds". That sound is the soundtrack to your first 6 months of life!
I remember... before you were even 1 month old, we started hanging out with Riley and Parrish a few times a month. They were your first friends, and you loved them so, so much. Riley loved to sing Jingle Bells to you, and you would always quit crying when she would sing. It was your special song from Riley.
I remember... the first time we took you on a hike. We were in North Carolina for Thanksgiving and it was brrr cold! There was snow on the ground and we bundled you up in the Moby wrap, and mommy and daddy took turns carrying you 4 miles up to the top. You slept the whole way up, then woke up at the top just in time to see the beautiful Smokey Mountains that momma loves so much. Grandpa was SO proud of you and you loved it so much, we promised to take you on many more hikes. :)
I remember... the first time we took you on a plane was to go to Michigan for Christmas! You didn't fuss once, you just slept the whole time! You loved Michigan and got to see your first really big snow, met the horses, and got to meet your great grandparents, and your name-sake, Grandpa Clark.
I remember... the first time anyone babysat you was Ms. Kate! It was so nice for mommy and daddy to have some time alone together, and you always love your time with Ms. Kate so we didn't worry about you one bit!
I remember... when you cut your first teeth. it was quite traumatic and difficult for you! you felt pretty icky and fussed a lot, but when they finally came through, you had your first 2 teeth at 4 months!
I remember... when you were 5 months we had our first foster friend come stay with us! You LOVED having an older friend around, and he was the first of several friends we would have come stay with us.
I remember... when you were 7 months, we took a lot of trips! we went to Seattle to visit and to pray about moving there so that we could tell people about Jesus - people who have never heard about Him before. We decided on that trip that we would move, but didn't know when Jesus would bring us here. We also took a trip to Colorado for a wedding then on to California so you could meet your Great Grandpa Webb! You got to see the beach and the Pacific Ocean for the first time! Then a few weeks later we took ANOTHER trip to the Virgin Islands, and you got to see more beaches and swim in the Atlantic Ocean! We were so grateful to all of your grandparents for giving us the opportunity to introduce you to so much of God's beautiful creation.
I remember... when you were 10 months we packed up our house and moved across the country to a new state. Moving was sort of tough on you, I think it was hard to be in so many new places without all your familiar things. Once we got your new room set up, you settled in and now you have met so many people and made so many new friends.
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In one year, you have experienced so many things. God has given our family so many beautiful things for us to enjoy and to glorify Him through. All of our friends, family, all of the beautiful creation that we enjoy - all of these things are gifts from God. We can learn about God through them, and it is all part of our story.
Elliot, our deepest desire for you is that you come to know and love Jesus like we do. We will teach you about Him every day that you are ours!

Happy birthday, monkey. Mommy loves you so, so much.

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1.13.14 
to my elliot-

when i held you in my arms for the very first time i was so grateful. grateful you were finally here safely. grateful i was finally looking at your face. grateful the waiting was finally over... when i hold you in my arms now, i am so grateful.

the morning you were born i worried because you didn't cry. you just looked at me, at daddy, and around the room. it was an omen for the future, i think, because here we are at 3 months and you rarely cry. i worried that morning that you weren't crying, but there was no reason to cry, i know that now. you knew us, your mommy and daddy, and there was no room for tears, only so much joy. you are so full of joy, my son. i hope you always are bursting with such joy and radiance.

i think you will. i think you will always be a joyful boy. you see, i began learning about you even before you were born - before i held you in my arms i already knew some things about you, but i couldn't wait to know more. i knew that you got the hiccups a lot! i knew that you loved kicking and stretching your legs. i knew that you loved singing and music, but when i met you - when i saw your face, i knew i was right about so many things.
you are such a happy, joyful baby. you are peaceful and content, and you are constantly taking in the world around you. you are curious and love to learn. you love being held, but you also love having some time alone. i think you are perfect! you have an amazing personality and we love to tell you how handsome you are, but i hope you always know the most important things. we tell you those, too.

i want you to know that you have loved your daddy since the moment you were born. i always say that you are a momma's boy, but secretly, deep down, i think you are already a daddy's boy. it brings my heart so much happiness to see how much you love each other. when you were first born into this big, scary world, gretchen, our midwife took you out of my arms for a few minutes to weigh you and check you from your head to your toes. you got upset and started crying, so daddy ran to you and started talking to you and rubbing you. when you heard his voice you immediately stopped crying and settled down until mommy could hold you again. you knew his voice and it made you feel comforted and loved. your daddy loves you so much, sweet boy. you are the son of his dreams!

you are growing and changing so quickly, it makes my heart a little sad. i am treasuring up memories from every day we spend together. each new thing you do is so fun, and i love watching you learn about the world around you.

i will write more, don't you worry. this is just a start.

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since one of the most momentous events of my life has occurred, i feel inspired to record some history, and a bit of a love letter to my precious son.

the summer i was a pregnant wasn't an extraordinary summer, in the way summers go. the summer was kind to me, though. it wasn't terribly hot, we had a ridiculously fun trip in michigan, and i never made it to the pool, not once. by the time summer drew to a close, i was heavy, feeling large, swollen, and oh so ready to meet my sweet boy. the weeks slowed to a crawl and it seemed like he would never come. he "dropped" and yet i grew larger and larger, until i felt as big as a house. i needed a thousand pillows to sleep and lots of emotional support from ross. i quit work before my due date, thinking maybe that would encourage elliot to come early. my due date came and went, all the while friends and strangers gawked in amazement that my belly was still growing. "he's going to be huge!" "you look miserable!" "is it twins?" "that boy is going to be a linebacker! maybe for alabama! he's going to have huge shoulders!" thank you. thank you. ross and i waited through our days. occasionally doing some silly jobs around the house, but every minute was filled with waiting. i scrubbed the floors and baseboards on my hands and knees - trying to convince myself (and elliot!) that labor was imminent, but it felt like he would never come. at 40 weeks, we took an impromptu overnight trip to cheaha mountain. we tried to escape and think about something other than our present reality.
finally at 41 weeks and 5 days, our midwife agreed. it is time for this boy to come. she did the things that midwives do, and then i did the thing that only terribly desperate women do. i plugged my nose and i downed it. castor oil. this boy was going to come.
the contractions woke me at 3am on sunday morning. i lumbered out of bed and onto the couch where i began timing them. 5 minutes apart. everyone said "when it's the real thing, you'll know!" this didn't feel like the real thing. did it? i dozed on the couch, and mom came out around 6. they were still steady and regular and i began to hope. i texted a few people, and prayed that this would finally be it. around 10 i sensed that they were slowing down and i remember saying "if this is labor, it is moving very slowly." around 12 mom, ross and i started a puzzle and i swayed on the ball, trying to convince myself things were more serious than i felt that they were. lauren arrived around 2 and gretchen at 4. i never had the "i'm in labor" moment i expected, but finally, finally, i was. giving birth to a son, to a brand new soul - it is not easy, let me tell you. my little boy made me work so hard for him, but my strong body preserved with the help and encouragement of our team.

elliot clark webb arrived at 6:05am, monday, october 7th, 2013. he was 8lb6oz and just shy of 22" long.

what is there to say after that? it is like a trumpet promenade "dum dum dudum!!!!!" any thing that tries to follow would sound quite squeaky and trite.

my little one had arrived, and he was perfect.

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2.13.13
i have been feeling so overwhelmed lately. this crazy schedule is catching up with our family. the 3 nights apart weekly are taking their toll - they are stretching us, making us uncomfortable, and forcing more growth in our marriage. we are learning how to adjust, how to communicate more effectively, how to love each other better. it is hard, but already rewarding, as we can feel and sense the moments that are pushing us into a deeper and more sanctifying marriage.
last night was one of those moments for me.

i don't feel like pregnancy hormones have been anything unexpected, but the nausea is hard. i feel guilty for laying (or wanting to) on the couch all night and my seeming inability to stay on top of things. there is so much that i want to do, but i get home from work and just poop out.
i got home last night and decided to skip small group because i was feeling poorly, and when i walked into the house my jaw dropped. ross had completely detailed the whole house. he had organized and put away my piles of clothes and taken care of all my other messes. i laid on the bed and cried and felt so overwhelmed - this time though - overwhelmed by his love and patience with me, and my love for him. in that moment, i felt so incredibly grateful for my help-meet, my husband who knows me, and recognizes my changing needs. after snuggling in on the couch for an expected long night without him, he surprised me by playing hooky from school and coming back home for a night together.

we ended the evening together with an early-ish night in bed, and a conversation about ecclesiastes and the eternity and timelessness of god - we even pulled out the bible encyclopedia and vines to research the greek and hebrew words for eternity. olam.

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baby arrow-
you are 8 weeks today! we told your grandpa and grandma mcdonald about you this past weekend. they were so excited, you wouldn't even believe it! grandma sends me texts during the week to check up on you and to let me know she is praying every day for you. you are so so loved by everyone who knows about you. we can not wait to meet you and teach you about jesus. he is the most precious thing in all the world! i know that one day you too will know about jesus and love him too. that will be the best day of our lives when you come to know jesus! it makes me so excited to think about it!!!!! keep growing strong, my love!!

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I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.  I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man. I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away. ~Ecclesiastes 3